I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
