Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
