I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
