u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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