apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
