I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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