Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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