I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
