I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
