I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
