dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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