i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
