i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
