She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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