how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize
