I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He kissed a someone with a penis
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
