Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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