She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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