I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I am available for nakedness
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
