If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize