I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
