is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
im calling her cock vulture from now on
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
