genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
