watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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