I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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