There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
