im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
