my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
