he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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