I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
