Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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