do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize