no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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