Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she told me i tasted like america
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
