i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
