wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
