He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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