gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
cat food counts as protein by the way
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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