Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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