Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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