Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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