1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Acid is not a monday night drug
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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