Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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