my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
