exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
