all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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