Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
