Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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