dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
