my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
