this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
