I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
