I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
