I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
