Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
