Michael Bay diarrhea
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
