all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
