Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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