i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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