Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
this will be a night to untag.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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