I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize