I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
