Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize