my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Enjoy the penises
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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