Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize