Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
