Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
