Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
