guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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