Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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