I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
