Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
