May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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