you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
