You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
did i walk over a car last night?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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